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I Couldn’t Handle the Pressure of ‘Looking’ Married

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On June 30th, 2020 I woke up to a very disturbing piece of news. The Guwahati High Court had granted divorce to a man after having observed that “A lady who has entered into marriage according to Hindu rituals and customs, and which has not been denied by the respondent in her evidence, her refusal to wear sakha and sindoor will project her to be unmarried and/or signify her refusal to accept her marriage with the appellant.” There may be a plethora of other reasons for the court to grant a divorce in the husband’s favor, but this particular observation by our country’s apex court was completely uncalled for.

This brought me memories from the time I got married. Mine was an inter-religion and inter-caste marriage. We both had concocted umpteen number of scenarios where a conflict could arise between our families. We exhausted almost all possibilities of hatching plans to avert any untoward incident. But it never occurred to me that this one particular post-marriage aspect would leave me perturbed.

For an entire week, I had to doll up replete with gold and diamonds. I had to necessarily wear a mangal sutra, bangles, toe rings, silver anklets, and of course the red vermillion. For those few days that I stayed with my husband’s side of extended family, it became increasingly burdensome. I just couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore, it just wasn’t me. I had two dozens of bangles in each arm, I chose the design on my own (I was naive, yes), yet I never fathomed how cumbersome it would be to wear those 24X7, for at least a quarter of a year. My feet were physically hurting due to the toe rings and anklets, yet I couldn’t remove them as they are “suhaag-ki-nishaani”. At one instance, my husband suggested to remove them and wear socks to cover my feet. But, I had to endure the horror of an elderly aunt physically checking my feet to search for the jewelry under the socks!

More than the physical aspects it was the symbolism of these adornments that haunted me for the days to follow. I couldn’t handle the pressure of ‘looking’ married. It got me wondering, why does a female have to change her external appearance to fit the definition of a “married woman”? Why is a physical marker required to show to the world that I am married? My husband is just the same as before. There is not even an iota of change. I, too, did not want to change.

Perhaps, I do not understand the hysteria behind wearing these adornments. I was very comfortable with my old self and did not see a plausible reason to change my physical appearance in any way fathomable. Can’t that be a reason enough to not wear all these or as the court observed, does that make me ‘un-wife-ly’.

I refuse to believe that my husband is a demigod. I refuse to be cajoled into believing that the sindoor stimulates sexual prowess of a female, the toe ring increases fertility, and so on and so forth. Why is there a need to label the woman as “taken”? Why are identifiers required on the woman’s body as a declaration of marriage? Why don’t we have similar rituals for men!? Shouldn’t such physical adornments be bestowed on men as well? Don’t they also need the blessings of the fertility God?

It’s about time that we let women be. I am fortunate enough to have an understanding husband and in-laws. They will never tell me what to wear and how to be. But (yes there is a BUT) the moment I add my poking relatives in the equation — the equilibrium will get disturbed. My in-laws will succumb to the pressure of these relatives, who are ever ready with their unsolicited advice on the significance of a ring on my toe (Really!).

I profoundly believe that this age-old system of having painted married women with certain set rules and expectations needs to end. And I am only talking about the physical aspects of change. I am not even attempting to address the colossal set of changes — emotional, social, and mental — expected from the woman under the umbrella of an Indian marriage system (that’s for another piece). The only expectations from a daughter-in-law should be respect and affection.

The abundance of superfluous changes expected post-marriage should in-fact be a choice. The woman should self-pick things that she wants to do or not pick anything at all. How in the world can the society, here the court, decide on her ideal physical appearance? It should be a genuine choice –free from the shackles of societal expectations. If someone wants to follow the rituals or not follow them at all — both actions shouldn’t draw any judgment.

None of the choices should make me feel any less a ‘married woman’!

Disclaimer to the intolerant ones: It is solely my personal opinion. I am not disrespecting, only questioning in my own capacity. Please let me be!

 

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Photo courtesy iStock

Previously published on Medium

The post I Couldn’t Handle the Pressure of ‘Looking’ Married appeared first on The Good Men Project.


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